Jokes

If you can’t laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at? Other crazy vegans I guess.

Memes – Stoopid Vegan Jokes – Q&A

Memes

Stoopid Vegan Jokes

Can I tell you a few vegan jokes? I promise they won’t be cheesy.

9 out of 10 cannibals agree – I vegans taste better!

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what’s wrong.
The doctor tells him, “Well, for one thing, you’re not eating right.”

A husband and wife were sitting around talking about their hard day at work and the wife was complaining that she needed to be more assertive to get anywhere, etc. when her husband told her, “You know what the problem is don’t you? It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and you’re a vegan!”

A vegan, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar. The vegan orders a salad, the other orders a burger, than the bartender asks the cannibal “anything for you?”, so he replies, “no thanks, i’ll wait till they’re done.”

I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans.

I’d make a vegan joke, but nobody would carrot all.

If two vegans are arguing, is it still called Beef?

If vegans eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Isn’t it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff.”

I’ve considered going on a vegan diet, but I’ve heard they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it’s because you don’t get the proper nutrition.
Vegan: Nah, it’s just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

My brother is a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo-carne-vegetarian.

Q&A

Q: Do you serve vegans here?
A: Of course, how would you like them cooked?

Q: Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to seitan.

Q: Did you hear about the vegan Zombie?
A: He went to the insane asylum and only ate the vegetables.

Q: If animals aren’t supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?
A: If humans aren’t supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

Q: How do you know if someone’s vegan?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

Q: How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they prefer to stay in the dark.

Q: How many shallow vegans does it take to eat a cow?
A: Only one if nobody’s looking.

Q: How many vegans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, vegans can’t change anything.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Q: How many vivisectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they don’t want you to see what they are doing.

Q: What did the lettuce say to the celery?
A: Are you stalking me?

Q: What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A: A meathead.

Q: What do you call a militant vegan?
A: Lactose intolerant.

Q: What do you call a vegan who goes back to eating meat?
A: Someone who lost their veg-inity.

Q: What do you call a Vegan with diarrhea?
A: A Salad Shooter

Q: What’s the best way to keep milk fresh?
A: Leave it in the cow!

Q: What gun doesn’t kill anything?
A: Ve-gun!

Q: What is the Native American word for vegan? A: Poor hunter.

Q: What is the Native American word for poor gardener?
A: Meat-eater.

Q: Why don’t yogis eat chickens?
A: They have eggs in them.

Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

Q: Why did the vegan cross the road?
A: Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN!

Q: Why do people kill animals?
A: Fur convenience steak.

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

Q: What did one vegan spy say to the other vegan spy?
A: We have to stop meating like this.